Please Don't Tell Him
by Blasphemous Gay Sex
Summary: Human/High School!AU Castiel has always been in love with Dean. He doesn't mind that Dean is going out with Lisa, he really doesn't.


**Title:** Please Don't Tell Him

**Fandom:** Supernatural

**Pairing(s):** pre-slash Dean/Castiel, Castiel/Crowley

**Ratings:** M for drug use and language though no explicit slash!

**Spoilers:** This is Human!AU but there is blink and you miss it spoilers to 6.22. It is very, very minor.

**Summary:** Castiel has always been in love with Dean. He doesn't mind that Dean is going out with Lisa, he really doesn't.

**A/N:** The title is bastardized from Jason Mraz's song "Please don't tell her." This is just a random one-shot that I had in my brain. Will write more chapters on "Screw God, Believe in Yourself" later. Also I totally have an idea for a post 6.22 arc that I will probably end up writing soon. Something has to make that ending better…

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><p>Almost every kid hates school for one reason or another. It might be gym class, it might be the homework, the teachers, it might be being stuck inside all day when the sun is shining bright outside. Those aren't the reason that Castiel doesn't like school. He is good at gym, he does all of his homework on time. He doesn't mind being inside. What is problem school has always been Raphael. He doesn't mind Raphael because there is one reason that he would go to school every day. That happened to be Dean Winchester.<p>

Castiel has always been a little bit in love with Dean. They met when they were in elementary school. One of the other kids had been kicking sand into Castiel's face and Dean had been his knight in shining armour and came to Castiel's rescue. Castiel didn't mind being Dean's damsel in distress. Dean was strong and brave and amazing. Castiel hung to him from them on like a safety blanket.

The older they got, the more that Castiel fell in love with him. He knew from an early age that perhaps he should be falling love with girls and not with his best friend. No one else matters to him but Dean though. He knows that Dean will fall in love with girls but that doesn't matter to him either. Nothing will ever stop him loving Dean.

He never expected Dean to meet someone like Lisa though. Lisa is perfect for Dean. She totally goes for his whole bad boy image which Castiel knows is just an image. It isn't rebelling against your parents if you listen to your dad's music, drive your dad's car and wear your dad's leather jacket. She doesn't know or doesn't care about those things about Dean though. She is a cheerleader, she is popular and looking for a rebel. It's exactly why she likes Dean. She also happens to be gorgeous and part of Dean is surprised that someone as good looking as her would ever like someone like him. Castiel has always given his love to Dean unconditionally. It is probably why it would never be enough for Dean.

Castiel knocks three times on the front door of the Winchester house. He has always gone around to Dean's first thing on a Saturday morning. They sit together and watch cartoons. Castiel doesn't understand any of them. Most of the time it defies the basic principles of science and logic. Like how can he play a clarinet under water? Surely, gravity doesn't only work when someone realises that they have been running on thin air and not a cliff? Castiel has all these sorts of questions and Dean finds it funny and Castiel finds it funny that Dean finds it funny. So even though they are both too old to be watching cartoons now, it is always what they do on a Saturday morning. It has been that way forever, no matter what happens.

Castiel has always preferred the Winchester house to his own. He isn't allowed to watch cartoons unless Gabriel is also watching them even then he rarely ever gets to watch more than ten minutes before Gabriel's sugar-created short attention span means that he will flick it over to female mud-wrestling or something else vulgar like that and Castiel leaves for his room. Dean is allowed to watch whatever he likes because he has no older brothers so he gets the choice of the television. Castiel has five older brothers and his oldest Michael is in charge of them while their dad is away. His been gone for five years.

Dean's dad is great. He is a mechanic and Dean hopes to follow his dad into the profession. He used to be a marine and it shows in the way that he has raised his two boys. He is strict and they respect him. He is a good dad though and a good man. Castiel cannot really remember what his dad was like.

Sam answers the door. He is still dressed in his pyjamas and looks like he has only just woken up. The cartoons are always on first thing though and it is customary for Castiel to arrive early.

"Dean's not here," Sam starts before Castiel has the chance to say good morning or any other conventional greeting for this time of the day. Sam doesn't look grumpy but he doesn't look happy either. Castiel frowns and tilts his head.

"He did not inform me that he would not be home," Castiel responds. It sinks in at that moment that he isn't going to be able to watch cartoons with Dean today and the bottom drops out of his stomach. He feels a little sick. He doesn't know why. It is just cartoons after all. Maybe Dean has decided that they are too old for them. Most of them aren't even funny anymore.

"He has gone out with Lisa," Sam replies. He doesn't look impressed that Dean has got him playing errand boy. Sam sees the look on Castiel's face. Castiel must look as miserable as he feels because Sam adds, "You come and wait for him if you want. He can't spend all day out. You can still watch cartoons."

"I would not wish to be any imposition, Sam," Castiel says. He likes Sam but Sam isn't Dean. He thinks that if he had met Sam first then he would have more time for the boy. Sam is four years younger and him and Dean but if Castiel is honest, he has more in common with Sam then he has ever had with Dean. They both like strange ancient texts, mythology and theology. Dean just thinks all of that stuff is boring. He and Sam don't talk about their shared interests often.

"It's okay, seriously dude," Sam says with a genuine smile. "It will give us a chance to talk without the philistine acting bored."

"You shouldn't insult your brother like that," Castiel immediately chastised before he could think better of it. "Your brother is very intelligent."

"Dude, you love him way too much," Sam jokes. His choice of words makes Castiel freeze in his steps but it had probably been an accident. It didn't make it any less true. Sam looks at him hard and then laughs. "Everyone knows, everyone apart from Dean that is."

Castiel doesn't move. He has been figured out. By Sam of all people! Castiel cannot believe it. He knows that he isn't the most discreet person but he had hoped that he kept his feelings in check. His hands have gone clammy and his throat is dry.

"Come on," Sam says with a smile and pulls Castiel into the house.

After getting over the shock of having Sam discover his secret or perhaps realising that Sam has known this whole time, he relaxes around Sam. They sit and watch documentaries on the history channels and discuss their feelings on this that and the other. Castiel cannot help though but notice all of the differences between Sam and Dean and why Sam would always be a poor substitute. It isn't fair, he knows to Sam. He would dislike it if he was constantly compared to his older brothers but he can only think about Dean and how no one else can compare to him.

Dean comes home about five. He has Lisa in tow. By now, John and his friend Bobby have joined Sam and Castiel in the den and they are sat watching football. Castiel isn't a fan of the game itself but he likes how it brings people together. Even in his own family, football is something that can get the six of them in the same room unlike anything else really. John has let Castiel have a beer even though technically he is underage but no one will complain. There is also chips and dips. It has been a good time but Castiel forgets it all when he sees Dean walk into house.

"Hey dad," Dean says casually. "Me and Lisa are going to head up to my room, okay?" Dean is trying to be nonchalant but he is failing miserably. Everyone knows that Dean is asking permission to take his girlfriend up to his room to do more than just sit and read comic books. John sees right through it.

"Don't think so, son," John remarks. "Come sit down." There is a shuffle while they all arrange themselves to make enough room for Dean and Lisa sit down. Dean ends up on the sofa with Sam and Castiel while Lisa is on the chair on the other side of the room. Dean does not look happy with this set up. Sam and Castiel are immediately uncomfortable by appropriation and Bobby looks like he would rather be anywhere else. John is the only one who seems unfazed by the situation.

"You know, Dean, Castiel has been here all day waiting for you," John starts. He had hoped that he had raised his son better than to dishonour his commitments. Dean shifts on his seat. He knows this. He doesn't look at John or Castiel but down at his own hands.

"I didn't ask him to," Dean grunts out like it is Castiel's fault that he had shown up like he had done for every Saturday for the last ten years without interruption.

"Did you tell him that you weren't going to be home?" John demands. Castiel realises that it is him who is supposed to be saying these things to Dean but he cannot bring himself to be angry, not when Dean is so close and so upset. He knows that he has done wrong.

"No, I didn't," Dean splutters out. "I am sorry."

"You shouldn't be saying that to me," John says quickly back.

"I am sorry," Dean says but this time he looks towards Castiel.

"It is okay, Dean," Castiel says immediately, hoping that will be the end of things.

"We can hang out tomorrow, okay?" Dean says with a hopeful face. He wants to make sure that things are still okay between him and Castiel. He looks unsure with himself like Castiel is going to tell him that he never wants to see him again. Castiel would never be able to deny Dean like that.

"But Dean, you promised you would come shopping with me," Lisa puts in.

Dean frowns. Dean hates shopping so he must really like Lisa that he even agreed to go with her. "Lisa, I should probably spend some time with Cas-"

"No, it is okay, Dean," Castiel says. "You have already made plans with Lisa."

Dean presses a hand to his face. He cannot win no matter what he does. "Okay, Lisa. I will go shopping with you but next weekend is Cas's okay?" Lisa nods in agreement. Castiel just feels like he has lost Dean forever.

"Can I go to my room now?" Dean begs.

"Of course," John says. "Lisa, you can go home." Dean groans, it is not what he wants but Lisa is already packing up her little bag and kissing Dean goodbye. Dean storms up to his room in a sort of defiance even though it makes him seem like a child rather than the nearly adult that he is supposed to be.

Castiel slips out sometime later. Next weekend, Dean texts Castiel first thing on Saturday morning and tells him that he is spending the day with Lisa and he will promise that he will make the time up later. Castiel doesn't believe him.

It starts with little things. First off, in class Dean sits with Lisa rather than with Castiel. Castiel doesn't mind. Dean offers that Cas can sit with them but he doesn't like Lisa and her loud friends. They look down on him and think that he looks like a pervert in his trench coat and on one unfortunate incident decided that they would try and make Castiel's hair resemble anything other than bedhead. It had not worked of course and Castiel had been left scarred.

Then it happens a lunch which is only worse because then Castiel has to sit on his own and there is nothing to distract him from that. At least in class, they just sit and listen to the teacher or do assignments or tests. In lunch, he sits alone and looks lonely. It is more obvious then and Castiel hates it. It makes it him a target for people like Raphael and his pals who all sit on Castiel's table, even if there are plenty of others free. They take his money and sometimes his books and homework. No one ever stops them or else they will become the victims of the bullying. No one other than Dean who has never been afraid of them only now he is too distracted to notice.

Castiel isn't exactly on his own though. There is Anna who has started a "Dean Winchester" fan club. Castiel feels sorry for her but at the same time, he realises that she has more of a chance of ever being with Dean than he does. She is pretty, with bright red hair and a well-formed body. She has a fiery personality though and Castiel can only bear with her in short bursts.

Then there is Chuck. He is just awkward in himself and somehow manages to always smuggles alcohol into school. He likes Castiel because they are both outcasts. Chuck writes strange supernatural stories using his classmates as inspirations. Dean and Sam are the main characters. Castiel thinks that Chuck might also have a thing for Dean. That was until Chuck showed him the pages where he has created Castiel as an angel in a dirty tan trench coat that gets to rescue Dean from hell. Lisa is the girl that Dean has always been in love with but never gets to see and has a kid with someone else. Castiel likes reading Chuck's stories. Sometimes he thinks that he would like to be the angel version of himself. Only the angel Castiel would still follow Dean to the ends of the Earth and into the depths of hell itself and yet Dean will never love him back.

No matter who Castiel surrounds himself with, it can never be as good as being around Dean but he knows that he is not much of an interest to Dean. He is weird, he speaks weird and he dresses weird. He has tried to be what Dean wants but that never works. However, he take any scrap of attention that Dean will give him. He knows that it is perhaps degrading but he doesn't care. He will do anything for Dean.

Things start to change though. He doesn't see Dean for weeks on end apart from Dean being on the other side of the classroom, the canteen or the field. Castiel feels empty inside. He wishes that he could get over Dean but Dean hasn't done anything wrong for Castiel to hate him. So Castiel will go on loving him.

Castiel's world turns on its head though. One day, he is just walking through the car park. Chuck has left before him muttering to Castiel about being careful with bats or something. Castiel doesn't even know if there are bats in this part of time. The last time he has been a bat was when Gabriel had got them lost when they were camping. He hadn't even been afraid of them then when he was seven years old and lost in the depths of a forest.

Castiel is walking through the school parking lot. He has homework to do which will keep him entertained during the night which hopefully will keep his mind off Dean and what Dean is doing. He isn't looking where he is going which is perhaps a little bit dangerous when walking through a car park of inexperienced drivers. It isn't the cars that he has to be worried about. As he rounds a corner he sees, Raphael standing there. He has a baseball bat in his hand which is strange because he isn't even on the baseball team. He is swinging it lightly into the palm of his left hand. It is a menacing action and Castiel realises he has been waiting for Castiel. Waiting to get Castiel alone.

"Hello Castiel," Raphael says with fake friendliness. "I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. Your boyfriend isn't around to protect you now."

"Dean and I are not in a relationship," Castiel says just as Raphael's bat hits his side and Castiel hits the floor like a sack of bricks. The bat hits him again and again and he is sure that Raphael is literally attempting to hit him into next week.

"Stop that!" someone calls but Castiel is too weak to stay conscious to see who his rescuer was.

He wakes up sometime later in hospital. Gabriel is sat at his bedside eating a massive bag of M&Ms. It is his third packet. It means that Castiel has to have been out for a least a couple of hours. Even Gabriel is incapable of getting through chocolate covered nuts that quickly. Gabriel notices that he is awake and is immediately by his side. Castiel has never seen Gabriel this concerned before. Not even when Balthazar managed to fall through the half rotten attic floor of the abandoned house Gabriel had dared for him to go into.

"Are you okay, little bro?" Gabriel asks. Castiel doesn't know how he feels. Everything is a little bit hazy. He knows that he is in pain but it doesn't exactly feel like pain right now. He feels numb. It must be the painkillers they have him on. It is a nice feeling.

"I'm fine," Castiel replies. It isn't a lie because right now he is fine. He is wrapped up tightly in a hospital blanket that isn't too scratchy and he is away from Raphael. He is peachy.

"Good because you really gave us a fright. Even Old Lucy was scared and you know he pretends that he cares about nothing," Gabriel explains. "It was a near thing too. The doctors say that if Crowley hadn't pulled Raphael when he did…"

"Crowley?" Castiel interrupts. Crowley is the strange student that Castiel has never even spoken too. Crowley is the sort of person who can insert himself into anyone's social group. He just glides in and out. Everyone likes him but he never hangs around with the same people for any long period of time. He is the last person that he had expected to come to his rescue. He had almost expected it to be Dean. Only Dean isn't playing his knight in shining armour anymore. Castiel cannot feel how much that knowledge hurts him. The drugs are that good. He decides that he would like to be on the drugs forever.

"Yeah the limey bastard came to your rescue. Didn't think he had it in him," Gabriel smiles. "I will have to send him a fruit basket."

"You do know that fruit baskets require fruit," Castiel points out.

"Yeah fuck it," Gabriel smiles. "I'll get him something good. He saved my little brother's life. That makes him good in my books."

Castiel smiles but he doesn't feel it.

Castiel is let out of the hospital a week later. For the most part his time there is uneventful. He had to endure being sat with by all of his brother even a very awkward hour with Lucifer. Castiel had been very glad for the medication that he had been on because he hadn't be lucid during that time. Michael had been sympathetic. Balthazar had spent the time whizzing around in Castiel's wheelchair and Uriel had spent time planning exactly how he was going to make Raphael suffer. It might not have been might but it was his family's way of showing that they actually care about him.

Chuck comes in everyday and gives Castiel his assignments. He talks about how school is going on, what Chuck can remember of the day if he hasn't been too drunk or actually passed out. He talks about the girl Becky who is a little bit forward but Chuck likes her anyway and how she loves his stories. It has made her rather fixated on Sam who is two years her junior. Castiel feels sorry for Sam about that one. He knows Becky by association and he really wishes both Sam and Chuck luck with that one.

Anna comes in too with a whole load of cookies that are too dry but Castiel doesn't complain at all because he knows that Anna has handmade them just for him and he knows that she has done it because she cares about him because she feels sorry for him. Castiel smiles at her gently and she sits and sings for him for a couple of hours and one of the nurses stops by and listens to her. Anna is a sweet girl and Dean Winchester would be lucky to have someone like her.

On the Friday before he is released, Crowley comes and visits him. He has a huge bump on his cheek and Castiel should have realised that someone of Crowley's height and size wouldn't be able to go against Raphael and walk away without any marks on him.

"Don't worry about it," Crowley says before Castiel can attempt to apologise or thank him. "I don't like buggers like that. Call me your own personal bodyguard from now on." It isn't a knight in shining armour but Castiel will make do.

Sam comes to see him on the day that he is released. He immediately apologises for his brother's behaviour.

"He's…"

"-Busy," Castiel supplies for Sam. Castiel is glad for the drugs in his veins because he thinks that he would cry. He would think of everyone that he knows Dean would come and see him. He supposes that he really has lost Dean. It doesn't hurt though. He wants to be hazy forever because he knows if he can think clearly then the knowledge will break his heart.

"It'll be okay," Sam says. Castiel wants to believe him.

Going back to school is not something that Castiel is in a hurry to do. It will mean seeing Dean. It will mean walking through the same car park that he did before and though Raphael has been sent to juvie, Castiel is still scared. What if Crowley isn't there when it happens again?

He cannot avoid going to school, no matter how much he wants to. Gabriel drives him though because he cannot walk very far because of his broken ribs. He has to take a laptop with him because his right hand has been banged up quite badly and he won't be able to write for days. Being in the hospital, he could ignore it all but he can't now. The first night he is back in his own bed, he strips off his clothing and just stares at the bandages and bruises that now cover his body. He looks terrible but the drugs make him feel fine.

Crowley seems to take his new job role seriously however and Castiel ends up walking with him to ever single class, whether or not he happens to share that class with the other boy. Chuck is at his side too and several of the teachers are careful as well to make sure that Castiel isn't on his own for too long. They are all expecting something to come out of the darkness and attack him again. It doesn't help with Castiel's own paranoia.

It is lunch on that first day that Castiel sees Dean for the first time since he has been attacked. It is the first time that Dean has seen him too. He mutters something to Lisa but Castiel cannot hear what he says because they are still on the other side of the room. Dean is coming over to him.

"Hey Cas," Dean starts. He doesn't know what to say and a bitter part of Castiel doesn't want to make this any easier for him. "You look terrible."

"Thanks for the compliment," Castiel replies. He has lunch sat in front of him but he isn't eating it. The pills make him nauseous.

"I didn't mean it like that," Dean says awkwardly. "Are you doing okay?"

"He is doing fine," Crowley interrupts. With Dean near him, Castile had forgotten all about Crowley and immediately feels bad for it. Crowley is there for him.

"I was asking, Cas. Who are you?" Dean demands, suddenly aggressively.

"I'm the one who saved his life," Crowley argues back. That shuts Dean up. He doesn't say anything to respond to that and just returns to the table with this girlfriend. Castiel suddenly feels like he wants to be sick but he just takes another one of his painkillers and everything seems a little bit better after that.

Crowley drives him home every day. It isn't exactly necessary because Michael, Gabriel and Balthazar have constantly told him that they would be happy to drive him back and forth. Lucifer did once. Castiel remembers being in his older brother's car and he thinks that he would rather face Raphael again. At least Crowley sticks to the speed limit and he sticks to the right side of the road and it is better than Castiel can expect. If he spends the time thinking about how Crowley's Daimler isn't even in the same rankings as Dean's Impala, he doesn't say it.

Weeks pass and Castiel's condition improves. He isn't in a lot of pain anymore but he claims that it is worse than it is to his doctors so that they give him another course of antibiotics. There is only so long that they will keep giving him a prescription and he knows that he needs another way to escape it all so when Crowley offers him speed he takes it without thinking. He takes whatever Crowley gives him. It is never hard core stuff because Crowley says he isn't into that shit but Castiel doesn't care because this stuff works great.

Being high might have explained why when Crowley kisses him one day, Castiel kisses him back. He doesn't think too much of it.

He thinks that he is being clever. He never takes drugs home with him. He is careful to make sure he doesn't lose too much weight and that his school work doesn't fall behind. He can function well on whatever is in his system and though he knows that he is acting differently, because it is hard to be completely the same person with that much coke running through his blood stream, but it isn't noticeable. Those who do notice just assume it is a reaction to his attack.

Crowley has him pressed up against the lockers. He feels trapped but he doesn't care with the way that Crowley's tongue is attacking his own. It is a pleasant sensation and there might be no butterflies in his stomach but there is a sort of low heat of desire that Castiel cannot help to act on. He can taste the scotch that Crowley had been drinking before. He thinks that they are both too young to be drinking but then they have done a lot now that they are perhaps too young to be doing. Crowley isn't perfect but he is there, hot and willing against him.

"Excuse me," a voice says disgruntled and there is no way that Castiel is moving for the world right now.

"Can't you see we are busy here?" Crowley snaps, taking his lips off Castiel's for a second. Castiel whimpers at the loss of contact.

"Can you not do it on my locker?" the voice asks. Castiel looks and realises that it is Dean. He immediately feels embarrassed. They haven't spoken for nearly a month now. Castiel misses him, or at least misses him as much as the drugs will allow. Dean isn't with Lisa at the moment. It only makes this worse.

"Sorry," Castiel mutters. He doesn't look at Dean. Dean would take one look at his pupils and be able to tell. He doesn't want Dean to know.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" Dean asks them. Castiel doesn't. It is supposed to be gym but Castiel has been dismissed from for the rest of the year. Crowley hasn't and he should be going. Dean has to know this because he is looking at Crowley accusingly. Crowley sighs, rolls and removes himself from Castiel.

"Are you going to be okay?" he mutters to Castiel. He doesn't like leaving him alone. Even without Raphael walking through the corridors. Castiel just nods. He will head to the library or something. It isn't like he wants to be on his own but he doesn't want Crowley to skip another class so he can play baby-sitter. The thought just reminds Castiel of the porn that Crowley had showed him. Why had the pizza man been spanking her rear? Castiel will not understand.

Castiel had been distracted by thoughts of pizza men and baby-sitters when he realises that he is still against Dean's locker. He needs to move so Dean can get his books. It seems like the hardest thing to do in the world.

"Cas?" Dean asks concerned. "Are you okay?"

Castiel sighs and shifts so he is against the locker next to Dean's. He needs to answer. So he goes for normal. "I am fine, how are you?" Perhaps not so normal considering the circumstances.

Dean laughs. "You haven't changed," Dean states as he goes to get some of his books. "Though the Crowley thing? How long have you been into guys?"

Castiel sighs again. The conversation seems to trivial. He bites back all of the witty retorts that he has going through his head. "Since always I think."

"Huh," is all that Dean can reply. Dean finishes getting his book and leans against his locker, his side pressed against Castiel's and he knows it is stupid but he just wants to grab Dean and kiss him. There isn't much else that he can lose right now. Then Dean says, "I broke up with Lisa."

Castiel is stunned for all of two seconds. "Why?" Castiel asks.

"Don't tell anyone but she slept with someone else and she is pregnant," Dean explains.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Castiel replies. He doesn't know what else to say. He wishes he was sober because then he would know how to deal with this. All his high brain wants to do is to kiss Dean, not console him about his lost love.

"I don't think I cared about her as much as I should, you know. It doesn't heard as much as it should. She is gorgeous and pretty and funny, but I don't think she is the one I want," Dean explains.

"And who is?" Castiel asks.

Dean doesn't say anything but he doesn't move either. Castiel might be stoned but he can connect it together. Dean wants him?

"Who, Dean?" Castiel demands.

"You," Dean replies. He turns around and grabs Castiel by the front of his shirt. He kisses him. Castiel is too shocked to really respond and Dean lets go of him quickly.

"I am with Crowley," Castiel says, dumbly. He cannot believe that this isn't a joke, that this isn't Dean playing some sort of joke on him. Making the gay boy think that Dean could possibly love him.

"Since when? Do you even like him?" Dean asks brutally.

"He was there when I needed him," Castiel protests. The pain is still there. Dean had just cast him aside when Lisa had come along like he didn't matter. Dean didn't even try to keep up his friendship with Castiel. He only wanted Castiel until something better came along. Castiel isn't going to let himself to be second best, not anymore.

"So what? Is that all it takes to get into your pants?"

Castiel laughs bitterly and tries to walk away. The corridors are empty now. They shouldn't really be walking them without permission but there is no one here to stop them. Dean grabs his shoulder. "Don't walk away from me," Dean half commands, half begs.

"You walked away from me first," Castiel replies. He walks away from Dean and straight out of school.

He isn't seen for four days. He knows that there are people worrying about him but he doesn't care. He has a bank card that Michael gave him for emergencies. He has never had an emergency and so he never even checked the balance but there is enough money there to get him the drugs. The moment that he tries heroin, he knows that there is no going back from this point. He doesn't quite think that he cares.

In the end, it is Lucifer that finds him. There is a reason for his name and it is true enough that Lucifer knows every steady, shitty drug den in the town. It is surprising that it takes him four days to find him. Castiel doesn't even care.

Lucifer hits him into next week. He doesn't stop. He just hits him and hits him. Castiel feels it, coming down from his high. It hurts like hell but he doesn't tell his brother to stop. He doesn't want him to. He knows that given the chance, Lucifer could probably kill him and make sure no one ever found the body again. Only the reason for his actions his because Lucifer loves his brother and he doesn't want to see him throwing his life away like this. Castiel is too young and Dean Winchester is definitely not worth it.

Castiel wakes up, days, weeks later, he isn't sure. He can still see the look on Lucifer's face when he realised what he had become and he hates himself for it now in the cold light of day. He feels ashamed that he had become such a creature that is so dependent on Dean Winchester that he turned to drugs. He doesn't want to be the person. He realises that now. He can live without Dean and he can live without drugs.

He makes the decision to kick all of that out of his life and Crowley too. He leans on Gabriel and Chuck, who he had pushed away to help him through it all. He likes their company, now more than ever and he realises that he should never take for granted the people that really care about him. The ones that will be there for him, no matter how stupid he has been. He smiles and listens to Chuck's adventures in trying to get Becky to like him. He also spends time reading Chuck's books where an angel version of Castiel betrays Dean to work with the demon Crowley. It doesn't work out for the good. Castiel is glad that is has been given the chance to make his life better.

Dean doesn't come to visit him. Castiel pretends that he had been expecting anything different.

Sam comes to visit him but doesn't make apologises for his brother this time. Castiel doesn't have to explain to Sam why he had turned to the drugs even though Sam is still too young to understand things like that. Sam mentions that Dean has been miserable since Castiel had disappeared and Castiel isn't arrogant to think that it is nothing more than he misses Lisa.

Castiel is allowed back to school. He is surprised about this. He had missed a lot of time but he had never been a terrible student, even while he had been off his head most of the time. He has to go into counselling which Castiel just sits and feels uncomfortable. The reason why he has been taking drugs is that his father will never return, Castiel still thinks that it is a possibility.

He doesn't speak to Crowley anymore. Crowley acts like an arsehole whenever Castiel is around and he doesn't feel anything. Not because he is on drugs anymore but because he has to admit that there is nothing there. Even though he had let Crowley touch him and fuck him and make him high. He liked Crowley because he had been there but there was nothing more than that. Castiel misses him like the good friend that he was but he isn't heartbroken.

Castiel sees Dean. Sam had been right when he mentioned that his brother was miserable. He doesn't look happy. He has pushed away the friends that he had from hanging around with Lisa away. They have all sided with her and are supporting her and it reminds Castiel that before he had started dating one of the prettiest girls in school, he'd been a loser too. Castiel feels sorry for him. Dean was still his friend. Something like that doesn't go away.

Castiel doesn't say anything when he slides and sits next to Dean in the cafeteria. Dean looks at him surprised. Castiel smiles at him. His hand slide across the table and rests on top of Dean's. His eyes meet Dean's and for a moment, it is like none of that ever happened. It doesn't erase anything but Castiel thinks, given the chance, they would be okay.


End file.
